Summer Has Started

The kids have been on vacation a whole whopping 3 days and I am at a loss. I've been sleeping late, watching tv all day, and eating. I'm a little lost. There is something about the school schedule that keeps me on track. I know what when my youngest is in school the 2 1/2 days, I need to get my shopping and errands done that I want to do without children. Without these deadlines I am a rudderless boat. Roaming around the house, surfing facebook, watching the style channel. I think my husband is on to me. This morning he not only made sure he made enough noise to wake the dead (and me) but he also had the kids making lists for ALL of us of activities we wanted to accomplish this summer.

Does watching a Clean House marathon count as cleaning? It has been raining for weeks straight and I think I am maybe dealing with a seasonal affective disorder. I don't think the kids care. I have been feeding them pizza and letting play video games 24/7. After next week my oldest will start camp and the month of July is pretty much taken up with camp so I'll be forced into a schedule again. I guess we are all allowed a little slack time. I should not be too hard on myself. I know I will be productive again, maybe when I get my fill lazy summer days....

What Time Is It?

I bought myself a new watch last Friday. That might not seem like a big deal but it is in my world. The last time I wore a watch I had not given birth and still worked. I feel like this is a symbol of the next phase of my life. I have spent the last eight years not knowing what time it was or relying on the microwave clock or minivan clock to tell me. I have to admit I used to be quite anal when it came to being on time. I did not understand people who were late. It annoyed me that people were so rude.

After I had my first son I relaxed and after the second I practically became a slacker. I show up at my youngest son's preschool late on a daily basis. Luckily by now they know and like me enough not to care. I have discovered that if I'm late no one is going to take my children away from me. That was the fear that kept me supermom in the first years of motherhood. The fear that someone would decide that my house wasn't clean enough or my children not well cared enough and they would take them away from me. I have grown enough to know that if they did take them they would most likely return them quickly because they are not easy kids and I mean that in the nicest way.

So back to the watch. I hope this watch will help see me through my first days of work and the meetings that come with that. I am no where near starting a new job but I have dreams and plans. And that's all you need right?

Fit at 40

Well I decided that I am no longer going to be out of shape for my 40th birthday. Luckily I have until next Fall to reach my goal. I told my husband that instead of having a party or getting some expensive gift I wanted a girls weekend away in Key West. I want to be getting on that plane about 2 sizes smaller than I am right now. I have dreams of laying out in a bikini (yes I said the dirty word) and not worrying about muffin top. Muffin top, such a delicious word but so nasty to look at. I do not want to be one of those moms at 40 who wears those mom jeans and low white sneakers as she waits for the kids at the bus stop. I recently was looking at class reunion photos from the year before my class and all the women looked like models. All thin, white teeth, beautiful. All I could think is, "they are my age! and a little older! what the hell have they been doing for the last 20 years!"

A more accurate thought should have been, What the hell have I been doing for the last 20 years. Well I guess I know what I've been doing, I've been eating. I looked at them and felt like they were in on some secret that I don't know about . I know it's really no secret, eat less, exercise more. Hopefully having the goal of looking good next Fall will be enough to pull me through the great desire to sit on the couch and watch tv with a container of ice cream.

Is the Grass Greener?

I am stay at home which you already know. But I have been planning my return to the working world. It was hard for me to stay at home. I lost a bit of myself. It took me quite a few years to stop telling people I was a career counselor but rather a stay at home mom. Now don't get me wrong, I love being here for my kids. I like that despite the fact that I have become quite scatterbrained that I am on top of all my kids stuff because I have so much time at home I eventually remember what I would have forgotten if I was working as well. I had lunch with a friend yesterday who works and would rather stay home. She talks about raising children as though it's some kind of divine quest that you should feel lucky to have been invited to do. She felt horrible for missing her daughter's field trip to the zoo. She was surprised to find that I haven't volunteered in my son's classroom all year. My sister is currently interviewing to return to the workforce. She was sad while in line at Target when she saw other moms buying pacifiers and toddler snacks, feeling that returning to work was marking then end of her motherhood in some way. I am excited to return to work, I feel like I have more things to do. I feel like I've done the "stay at home" thing and now it's time for the next phase. Maybe it's just me. I'm not terribly sentimental person. I don't save a lot of my children's stuff for when they are older. I think about buying clothes that don't include jeans and sweats. I'm hoping by not being in the house everyday all day I might stop eating my way through the day and maybe lose some weight. It amazes me how conflicted we all are by this. I've noticed some of my working friends feel so guilty that they indulge every single whim and thought of their children to try and make up for their absence. People need to relax. Overall our kids are all going to be fine. Some of us will be at home, some of us will be working. It's not that big of a deal. Kids know if they are loved and thats all that matters isn't it?