What the Hell Have I Done?

I had a sweet easy ride. Sure I complained about being home but I really was in the home stretch. My youngest is in preschool three and a half days a week. Next year he will be a full time kindergartner. I could work out if I wanted which sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. I could shop, clean, and some days I didn't do much of anything. Any now out of a desire to feel like I am contributing I go and get an internship. I am working a whole 8-10 hours a week and it is kicking my ass!!! I am tired. The good thing is it certainly makes me step up my A game. I have lunches done the night before because I have to. My house is clean when I step out the door. I do usually enjoy it. Today was hard because my boss was busy so she couldn't think of anything to give me to do. I have to say, it is harder to look like you are busy than it is to be busy! I question, will i be able to do this? There is SO much to learn! Is it too late for me? Am I wasting my time? I don't know. All I can do is move ahead and hope it all works out.

How early for a Bad Day

It's 5 am and I am having a really bad day today. A republican just won one of our senate seats last night. I am at the point where I am thinking of quitting Facebook because of how annoying half the people were during this election. I mean REALLY annoying. I posted a status telling people to keep their political views to themselves and the hard core republicans posted these missives of how it was their "responsibility" to educate others on politics and quoted the bible. Needless to say, it really drove home to me how narrow minded and insane they really are. I have to say when I find out who is a republican I usually realize that I didn't like them that much anyway and that fact just confirms it. I feel like women who are republicans are just voting the way their daddys or husbands vote because they are not smart enough to think for themselves.

Now in addition to this night mare that I am going to have to listen to on the news for the next several days I got a TERRIBLE haircut last night. The guy who cuts my hair chopped my hair off in the same exact manner that I had explained to him as my WORST haircut ever. WTF!!!!!! I can't put it in a ponytail and it's basically a bob. I did a fucking bob in the 80's!!!!!! I really hate him today. He kept using the flat iron to try to make it look longer than it really is. I haven't slept the past two nights because of these two reasons and I'm really done. I need to go away and there is no where to go. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teachable Moments

I just forced my husband to get up and into the shower. He is sick....well he has a cold which in his mind means he's practically dying. He spent all of yesterday on the couch. His father is in the hospital and has been for a few days. The thing that really annoys me is that he will muster tomorrow for work but can't seem to manage for his family. I don't think he understands that he is teaching his children how to treat him when he's older. I worry that he's teaching our boys how to be lazy because he pretty much is on weekends. I feel like he gives all his energy to work and it leaves nothing for us. He also leaves nothing for himself which is why he is out of shape. It's time to re prioritize. Maybe I'll play him Cat in the Cradle.

Hoarders

I should be cleaning myself but I'm watching A&E's Hoarders. The couple I am watching used to be models and now she is hoarding, and he is depressed and tried to commit suicide. To see the distance they have fallen is incredible. I am fascinated by this show. Part of the reason I became a counseling major is that I can see how people get to these places. You think you are so far removed from hoarding, alcoholism, drug addiction, but in reality we are all so close to the hairy edge. One job loss, death in the family, or bout of depression can send the strongest of us into a place which we can't return easily. It's so hard because we all believe we are above this but we aren't. One of my greatest fears is to lose my mind in some way. I can see how easily you can avoid the things you need to do. AA had it right with the One Day at a Time. You can make yourself do anything if you think it's only one day but if you think it's a lifetime it's completely overwhelming. I think I should take this moment and go clear my kitchen counter.

Working Girl

Tomorrow I start my internship and I can hardly believe it because it has taken so long to get here. I'm intrigued to see if I'm going to like it. I think I have built up the idea of working in my mind. I used to like working but I also did it when I didn't have children so I could focus on work and myself. Now it's going to be a little more difficult. It's only two days a week for 4 hours a day but one illness and I'm home. And if you've read this blog, you've read how often my kids get sick, it's A LOT. I worry that I don't have the base knowledge anymore to make it. I've changed the things I talk about on a day to day basis. I hoping I will be able to hold my own without resorting to "kid talk". I think I just need to do it. I need to get in and learn their names and figure out where I fit in. I'm hoping in a couple weeks I'll be able to report I've accomplished that. This is what I wanted right?