Is it the End?

Here we are at the end of 2009. All year I have spent working towards the next thing, if I can just get through my trip to Vegas; son's birthday; Thanksgiving; Christmas. And here I am at the end. I accomplished all those things. I have completed, organized, and put away. People are always telling you to live in the moment not in the future but I seem to be incapable. So here I am finished with 2009. But there's always more isn't there? I feel like working towards completion is the only thing that keeps me going. I'm like a shark if I stop moving I fear I might die. I hope that for this new year I might take some time and enjoy my life. I have a good one, two healthy sweet wonderful boys who are my world, a good husband, a nice house, economic security, the ability to explore any options I want to. Part of me loves the feeling of organization and completion but I feel like I need to stop trying so hard. I want 2010 to be the beginning of me feeling comfortable in my skin. I want to appreciate myself and my life. This might actually be harder than completing something....

Keep it to yourself!

I called my sister this morning, I was in a pretty good mood since I hung pictures in my recently completed bathroom. Our conversation took a turn and I'm not sure why. She does this thing where she disagrees with me just to disagree. She once did this about a collection agency person who had a wrong phone number and was a complete bitch to me. As I vented about how annoying this person was she said to me, "Well at least she's not on welfare." WTF is that! All I needed from her was a, "Oh that sucks!" And that's what I got. She once had a period of time where a friend of hers was driving her crazy. She was so annoyed by this person that she started to avoid them. Once day this friend called her on it and asked what was wrong. She then calls me to tell me how "crazy" this friend was for thinking she was mad. I made the mistake of pointing out that she actually was mad and she never let me forget it. I have be supportive of everytime she is upset or angry and in turn I get this nastiness. I have a feeling she was in a bad mood about something else and took it out on me but it's annoying when people spread their bad mood. People should have the wherewithall to know when their in a bad mood and either own up to it or not answer the phone.

A Day of Accomplishment

I am having a good day! I know, what a surprise. I love when I get things done and today was one of those days. This morning I took down my Christmas tree and put it and the other decorations away in the attic for next year. Then I nagged my husband until he finally installed the sink in our downstairs bathroom. Our downstairs bath remodel is finally done! He tore it up on Thanksgiving weekend and now on the weekend after Christmas it is finally completed. We had it tiled, bead board put up, painted it, and installed a new sink as well as fixtures. This has been a big test of my patience and learning to live with things half done. I once had a boss who told me I was a "doer" and I agree. Sometimes I do without completely thinking it through but I certainly get it done! I can't wait for 2010. I feel like 2009 is winding up nicely for me and I hope the good luck continues.

It's Over!!!!!!!!

My mother, step father, and brother left about a half an hour ago and I am SO happy! It means this holiday is finally over. Don't get me wrong I love Christmas but this year it just came at a bad time with too much crap going on right before it. I am patiently (or not so patiently) waiting until tomorrow so I can take the tree down and get this holiday OVER. I have been down for the past few weeks. I kinda excited, the cleaning lady is coming on Monday so after she's here I can move on to the next thing. There is something exciting when you start anew. And that's exactly what I'll be doing in 2010 starting anew.

The Craze Before the Storm

We are getting the storm which is inching up the east coast tonight. I had not really done much of my Christmas shopping for the relatives before today. I felt as though I HAD to go out because I feared something might happen which would make it impossible next week and I'd be really screwed. I went to BJ's first and had to fight the crowds to buy a Snuggie for my father in law because every old man NEEDS a Snuggie! This is probably a clue to the fact that when things start to wind down at the holidays I get desperate to buy ANYTHING to finish my list. So out I ventured while people drove around in a manic state trying to buy milk, bread, and rock salt because the world might end if you don't have those things during a snow storm. I stood on a 15 person line at CVS to buy 4 small bags of candy for a gingerbread build at the library. I went to Target because everyone in our state was at Target so I obviously thought maybe I was missing something. After Target I realized that I was insane to be out among the crazy people. I decided against the Christmas party tonight and am instead sitting my ass on the couch with a nice glass of wine. I'm hoping the storm will be good enough so I can spend the day in my pj's without guilt. Let's hope this snow slows the crazy a bit.

Holiday Anger

I am in a bad mood, I actually think I didn't emphasize it enough. I am in a piss poor, angry, PMS-like, mood that could rock the world if I let it. It started slowly, a friend annoyed me with her political rant yesterday that didn't even have any substance. Then another friend basically told me she was going to copy the gifts I was getting my sons because God Knows her child has to outdo mine at all times. They both work and they have 1 kid. He's so fucking spoiled it makes me want to be mean to him myself. I have to sit back and realize their marriage is falling apart and she can't stand her husband so I shouldn't be too angry. My sister in laws have screwed me in gift giving to my in-laws. They bought a Keurig for them and told me to buy the coffee. This is after my husband and I paid for a cruise for my in-laws and told them it was from all of us even though his sisters didn't spend a dime. I have been so angry lately I've been thinking maybe I should see a shrink. I don't know where to place this anger and it's creating this constant feeling of unhappiness. I just want the holidays over, it should be a happy time of year and I can't even enjoy it. It's too much all the time.

The Perfect Storm

I am trying to not get overwhelmed right now. We are having a perfect storm of expenses. It is two weeks until Christmas and I have bought a total of one gift for our families, have bought two gifts for one of our sons, although the other son is pretty much done except for stocking stuffers, but we are also finishing our downstairs bathroom. So in addition to Christmas shopping I need to pay a tiler, carpenter, buy a toilet, buy some fixtures, paint, and assorted other things that come up. We also need a new washer and dryer (the noise they make is unbearable) but I'm not sure if we are going to do or not. Last week I needed to buy new tires for my minivan which cost $300 and I ordered oil which ran us over $400. UNCLE!!!! I am not sure how we are going to survive the holiday season and still have food on our table. I just want to get to January. If I can ride out this storm I'm hoping to make it to safe harbor in the New Year.

You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch!

My husband just went off to bed in a huff. Angry at me for purchasing a laptop for our 9 year old son. It's his number one gift. It's the one thing he has asked for repeatedly. I'm not planning on buying him a lot more but I wanted to get him the thing he wanted most. Not only that but it cost $300. My husband is pretty cheap. They always say a spender usually marries and saver. It wouldn't be so bad if my husband wasn't born in the depression. Now don't be thinking that I am married to an elderly man, it's not that. He just acts like he was. He is surprised that things don't cost a nickel. I am so tired of feeling like I am spending like a drunken sailor. I do not get my nails done, I do not shop for myself very often, I don't buy for the kids under the guise of spending. I went to BJ's this week and bought sponges, Imodium (because he keeps getting diarrhea) and snow pants which I am returning. My friends all feel I am really frugal but my husband thinks I spend like crazy! I feel like he is sucking the fun out of Christmas. I just want this stupid holiday over. I am tired of him ruining all the holidays.

What? What?

O.K. I might have been sleeping on the job but when the hell did it turn into that final downward slope towards Christmas? I just got back from Thanksgiving today and I am already in a panic. I ordered our cards and paid way too much to make sure they happened quickly. I have bought a total of two gifts and one of them is a book. No kid wants a freaking book under the tree. In addition to this pressure, my husband just ripped the shit out of our downstairs bathroom. Yes you heard me right, no toilet, no sink, no laundry. What? What? Yes, no LAUNDRY. I have two boys, a dog, and a husband. Do you know how much freaking laundry I do? TONS! I am feeling a bit of panic. I would be panicking just about Christmas but with no bathroom and washing machine it's no wonder my doctor just put me on blood pressure medication. I tried explaining to my doctor that I medicate myself just fine with chardonnay but she wouldn't listen. In fact I've taken two doses, I think I need to go to bed, I have laundry piling up......

Slumber? I Don't Think So!

My oldest is having a slumber party for his 9th birthday tonight. Last year I was insane and let him have 9 kids, this year I told him 5. We ended up with 6 because one kid wasn't sleeping over so I allowed him to add one. It has been quite an evening. My husband had his last day at work today because he is going to a new job. So of course his co workers took him out for drinks. He got home late and half in the bag. So far they have had a fight which resulted in one kid biting another twice, singing Happy Birthday like little girls in a horror movie, and one of them running through the kitchen in his underwear. It is 10 p.m. and they are watching UP while I sit upstairs drinking my wine watching old Oprah's. I think they are nearing the end and I will be very happy at 9 am when their parents pick them up. I will be able to look at my son and know he had a great birthday.

Begging for Drugs

Well it appears to be official, my youngest seems to have the flu. He has had a fever from Saturday and last night it spiked. He had 200 mg of motrin in him and he was still burning up. I am supposed to leave for my trip on Thursday. I have now called the doctor's office to beg for Tamiflu. I know only the kids with asthma and other high risk symptoms should be getting it but I CANNOT get on a plane and fly away from child who has a 103+ fever. They made it clear it might not help or only shorten it by a few days but I'll take it! I'm hoping they give in. I will never enjoy myself if the kids are really sick. Sometimes it really sucks being a mother. You can't be selfish, you just can't. It's physically impossible. The sad part is if he really is sick I will not be bothered to cancel my trip. I will do it willingly because I will not have any kind of fun with him being sick.

To Flu or Not To Flu

I am panicking at this moment. My youngest came home from a birthday party with a headache and a slight fever. I am leaving my husband with our two darling boys in 5 days to go to Las Vegas to celebrate my 40th birthday. I cannot leave him with sick kids. He will lay down on the tarmac and not let my plane fly. You think I'm joking, I'm not. Right now everyone is in a state of chaos about the H1N1. I've been right with them. A kid in my son's class got it and I was telling him not to touch the kids desk! I have them use hand sanitizer everytime they get in the car after school. So you can imagine my dismay when I noticed the tell tale pink flushed cheeks.

Usually I handle illness with ease because for some reason my kids get sick alot. I am stressed and worried. I hate this fear. You keep hearing stories about kids dying of H1N1. I got them the flu mist but they still need to get the booster. I will be praying that whatever this is, that it runs in course in 24 hours. We shall see if I make my trip. Say a prayer for me will ya?

Ready To Go

Today my oldest son had a camping trip with the cub scouts over night. I offered to take him but he wanted his father there because he felt it was a "father son thing". My husband went but has spent the majority of the day trying to talk the kid into coming home early. Now it's bad enough that I had to get up early today, print out the health forms, fill out the health forms, get the sleeping bags out of the attic, get a bag, pack the bag, pack the car, clean the car out, and program the GPS. But now he doesn't even want to stay. I understand, I do. It is miserable rainy day. But I have to tell you, most of my week is doing things I don't feel like doing for my kids. I hope he changes it his attitude about tonight. One night of being cold and wet compared to making your 8 year old happy for a long time. I think it's an easy choice.

Friendemies

I'm noticing a pattern in my blogs. I seem to have a lot of issues with my friends. I think it is because these are not necessarily people I would choose to be friends with if it weren't for the fact that we are all at home moms and there's no one else around. Today two of them were supposed to come over and have lunch at my house. I was surprised they wanted to come because it would have to be late because of my kids activities and they are early eaters. One of them called me and basically told me that they had talked about it and neither one wanted to come over. She said that she had a paper to write and wanted to take a nap and said that the other one "just didn't want to". I really didn't care if they came or not but they way she described how they didn't want to come really bugged me! What the hell! Have they ever heard of tact? Couldn't she just say, "I have a lot of stuff to do can we take a raincheck?" It's sad how basic kindness has just gone out the door in this world. I'm starting to feel like the word friend obviously has a much different meaning than I thought. I miss the days when friends were there for you no matter what. Now people will be there as long as it's not difficult for them and requires no great effort.

Ahhh Choo!

I have had it. I finally made an appointment with my doctor because my seasonal allergies have become a year-round thing. Every morning I wake up congested, random days I can't breathe at all, and there seems to be a week or two where my nose runs so bad I use an entire box of tissues a day. There is no rhyme or reason. I had an appointment at an allergist many years ago but the office called and canceled on me the day before because he was arrested for killing his wife. He has been in jail for several years now so I guess it is time to find another allergist. I take claritin almost everyday. That can't be good for me. It's funny what you put up with and not do anything about even if it annoys you to no end. Since I am looking forward to my internship I am trying to take care of as much as I can before I start "working". I am hoping I can do something about this before Spring hits.

Keep Your Mouth Shut!

I had a jewelry party last night because that's what we suburban housewives do, we have parties to sell shit to our friends so we can get free shit. Anyhoo, it was going pretty well, my friends are big spenders when they get a few wines in them when all of a sudden the conversation slipped into politics. Now to give you a little background, I am a democrat, its just who I am. I do not go around telling other people they should vote democrat and in fact usually stay away from starting political conversations. Last night there were two particular women who were loudly going on and on about how "conservative" they are. One of them recounted a story where a little girl in her neighborhood told her she had voted for Barrack Obama at the school "elections". She proceeded to tell this little girl that she should take half her Halloween candy and give it to a kid who didn't trick or treat because thats what Barrack Obama is going to do with her parents money. She said this to a child! I was flabergasted.

I have to say, when I talk to most republicans I know, they are usually small minded and spout facts that are not true. I always feel like women who are republicans are just saying what their daddy or husband thinks. What woman would vote against womens rights? This woman also felt that there was no reason for her kids to learn Spanish in school. That people should assimilate and that the school should make them have an extra PE so they're not obese instead. How stupid can you be? All over Europe it is manitory to learn a second language and this dipshit thinks that her kids shouldn't bother? Well I guess if your kids are going to live little sheltered lives like you well then maybe they don't. After they left I was thinking seriously about moving. Are there idiots everywhere like this? I know they thought they were being cool whereas I thought they just looked ignorant. I do not think everyone has to think the same but when you are in someone elses house maybe just maybe you should keep your stupid thoughts to yourself.

These New Threads

It looks as though I got my internship. I think I start in November. It basically seemed that way, I'm just waiting for her to follow up with me. Before my interview I went to Ann Taylor outlet and got two pairs of pants and a sweater and camisole. So I think I looked quite academic for my interview. I loved dressing like a grown up. I felt fashionable. So now I need to get a working wardrobe back. I decided that I would use some of the money I get each week for watching my friends kid after school and buy 1 piece a week. Well I bought a cute top today to go with the other pair of pants then I rediscovered the joys of ebay. I found some Ann Taylor pants with tags for far less money than I paid in the outlet, well of course I HAD to buy them. I have a feeling this is the most expensive internship ever. My mommy friends are jealous, I can tell how they ask questions. So I am off to rediscover the joys of being a grown up. whoo hoo!

The Single Life

I am surrounded by divorced single moms. When we moved in both neighbors were married with baby and now 8 years later we are the only ones still married. The part I find funny is that they were both staunch republicans. You know, those conservative family first people? Well I guess that only goes so far. Well right now one of my neighbors is getting quotes on putting a bathroom in her basement so she can make it an apartment. Now this brings many thoughts to my mind, the first being that if she can't afford to stay in the home how can she afford to put a bathroom in there? Also, who the hell would want to live in her basement in the burbs? Also, what about a kitchen? Would she put one of those in too or would she share a kitchen with a stranger?

I have to admit that after listening to all their issues it makes my husband look better and better. I would not want to be single at 40 right now. I have watched it ladies, men DO NOT get better with age. That salt and pepper distinguished thing is a fallacy. They stop trying so hard. Dishes never get into the dish washer, clothes don't make it into the hamper, jeans get replaced by sweatpants. I would not want to be single right now but maybe they wouldn't want to be me right now sitting next to a man who is controlling the remote and farts on regular occasion.

Where's My Back Up?

I think of myself as a pretty good listener. People call me with their problems and I do my best not to project myself into them and be a good sounding board. I am a counselor by trade so I really try to make people feel better. Lately I've been noticing that I don't seem to get the same treatment from my family and friends. I have a relative who calls me every couple months to help her find a job. It's always an emergency and I have to not only help with writing resumes and cover letters but I have to build her self confidence up in the process. She is always talking about how she doesn't have a career and isn't good at anything. I have to do my best to make her feel better and get her ready even though I know that in another couple of weeks she will decide that she doesn't want to miss her children's childhood and that they are only young once and she wants to be there for them.

I called her a week ago in the middle of a medical emergency with my youngest and she basically shoved me off the phone because her husband was there and she can't be bothered to talk with me when he's there. I called her today to vent about a woman on the phone who was REALLY rude to me and she was defending her! A stranger who was nasty to me for no reason at all and she was saying, "well at least she works and isn't on welfare!" WTF! She doesn't know this person, I am obviously upset, she can't just make me feel better?

I'm tired of being there for others and having them let me down when I need someone. Is it that hard to say, "I'm sorry that sucks!" I am tired of emotionally draining people. If you want me to feel bad for your life then you need to back me up occasionally. Until then I think my phone will be on mute.

Fathers Love

I'm watching last week's Oprah with Dr. Phil. There is a woman whos father is a serial killer. She took her children to meet him in jail. It is apparent that Oprah is horrified that she would do that and does not understand. My own father was not a serial killer but an alcoholic. My mother has since remarried to a nice man but he will NEVER be my father. It was very nice of him to pay for my wedding but that does not make him my father. I understand when people state how a step parent is their real parent for their actions but there is something primal and true when the person is your biological father. My father has since died and I had thought there would be time. There wasn't.

It is hard to be a good parent but it's also quite easy. All you have to do is be there most of the time. You don't need to know everything, you don't need to buy anything, you don't need to be perfect. It makes me angry because my father could have done it. Relationships are so complex. I know people are human but you know what people, grow up. Do it. It's the most important thing you will ever do.

Back to Work?

Well I've hatched this little plan for myself. I am going to get licensed as a guidance counselor so I can work at something that is similar to what I used to do (career counselor) but work teacher hours and get my holidays and summers off. Great idea huh?! So the state says I have to do a practicum (fancy word for internship) for 300 hours. I called a neighboring high school guidance office and found out who hires for this and emailed her my resume explaining what I am looking to do. Suddenly I thought to myself, "What the f**k am I doing?" There's no turning back now.

I don't work. I get to sit around on my ass and do nothing as long as the kids are not randomly roaming the streets and there's a dinner in the microwave for when hubby gets home at night. (and believe me he's NOT picky) Why ruin a good thing? I just hired a cleaning lady because I came to the realization that I don't clean. Everyone I know who works is dying to get to retirement and here I am rejoining them?

Why? I do miss being recognized for accomplishments other than potty training or making kick ass pork chops but I have actually made peace with it. It would be nice to go out with other people and have something to say other than, "I stay at home" when they ask what I do. I would like a bit of myself back which I think working will do and I really really REALLY want to buy some new clothes. I want to be one of those women who "deserves" to get her nails done. I sometimes stare at working women with such envy. They always look so put together and here I am in pajamas all day or if I'm lucky I throw on work out clothes with the ambition of working out, which doesn't always happen. All right, all right! hardly ever happens!

I should be taking advantage of this time. I should be in shape. I should have menu's planned for the week. My house should be well organized. I should learn a second language! Sounds great but when you get right down to it most people don't have the discipline to do those things on their own and I'm one of them. I need to be forced to do things and that's what work is good for. Forcing you. So I think it's time I traveled down this road to gain some new skills and if I get some kick ass outfits out of the deal that wouldn't be so bad either.

Kids otherwise known as human petry dishes

Now it's not enough that my kids were sick in Spring but also for 3/4 of the month of July but last night my youngest was crying that his leg hurt in his sleep most of the night. I went to him no less than 5 times last night. So needless to say, neither he nor I slept last night. At 5:30 am I gave up and called the pediatrician. They said he was probably need an x-ray so I should go to the ER.

After spending 5 hours at the ER the poor kid had an x-ray, an ultrasound, and they drew blood. The ultrasound showed fluid on his hip, hip effusion it's called. Where the hell do these things come from? So now the problem is whether it's viral or bacterial. If it's viral then it should resolve itself on it's own in a couple of days. If it's bacterial then that means it is septic and he will have to be taken to Children's Hospital to have an orthopedic pediatrician drain it with a large needle. Which I'm betting will REALLY suck.

So we are here with bated breath waiting to see if a fever appears or his condition worsens. Why the hell does this shit happen on weekends? Never during a weekday. Today we were supposed to take advanatge of the 80 degree Labor Day weekend weather by going to the beach but instead I got to carry my son around to and from the potty since he couldn't walk on his own feet. So far he's in good spirits and is sleeping soundly now. I am praying this resolves itself with no further issue. I am so tired of illness. In fact, I'm just plain tired.

Alive and...alive?

In today's news the lead story was about a girl who had been abducted 18 years ago and walked into a police station to let them know who she is. The thing that has really been bugging me about the whole thing is the AP wrote she is "alive and well". Now I don't know all the particulars since they haven't released them yet but what I do understand is that this girl was taken from her family and kept in a shed in the backyard while she was molested by this monster. She bore two children from this fucking sicko and they think she is well? I don't know her but I know she is NOT WELL. She has been physically and pathologically abused for 18 FUCKING YEARS!!!!!!!

Think about how she would have been a completely different person had this mind fuck and his equally screwed up wife hadn't taken her. She is NOT fine. I am not fine just thinking about it nevertheless living through which must have been complete hell. Already her ex step father is slightly blaming her since he was a prime suspect. He doesn't understand why she didn't come forward earlier. Well mother fucker, why don't we sexually assault you for 18 years and see what you do at the end of it. Bill O'Reilly had come out after those two boys were found blaming the older one for not leaving. He then went on Oprah and she didn't nail him to the wall for saying it. That's when I realized Oprah made so much money that she was cow towing to her rich friends instead of actual journalism. I don't care who you are if you ever find yourself blaming in any way a child who has been abducted then there is a special place in hell for you. I will step off my soap box now.

School Days, School days...

Well it's that time of the year again. The new sneakers have been purchased, along with pants, tops, and a plan for a new haircut before the end of the week. The summer started out so sucky with much rain and then my kids were sick the first three weeks of July. I was worried that Fall would arrive and I would have not had a summer. But it's not so. A week up in Smugglers Notch, VT and a weekend at the Cape with no air conditioning has made me ready for the cooler temps of Fall. The kids have whined their way into my desire to have them back at school. This year my youngest will go 3 1/2 days, I will feel so free!

I am a bit of a type A person. I like my organization. I love getting my new calendar for Christmas and I immediately start penciling in all our activities. The Fall bring that promise of schedules and solid bedtimes. I think mothers break down into two groups: those who love the easy loose summers and those who like the logical and planned Falls. I fall into the latter group. I am finally getting in the spirit. I will put one on a bus and the other I will drop off at preschool and will have to determine what to do with myself finally.

New Mommy Obsession

I went to a mother's night out tonight at an old friend's house. We were roommates in college. She got married and had children after I did. I didn't think much about it until I showed up at her house and the entire conversation revolved around children and their: nap times, bedtimes, play dates, and cutest little things they do!!!! I came to the sad realization that my friends and I used to be just like them and that we were obviously just as lame and boring.

Something about new mommies makes them lose their intelligence. It's all so new and scary. You think about it and obsess about it constantly. When you have your second child you realize you were just a pussy and it's really not that big of a deal. None of it, really. They are not that wonderful and no one really gives a shit what they do except you.

I am so glad I moved on. I am developing new interests and they do not involve children and their bowel movements. I actually had two glasses of wine, a bottle of water and came home. That's how boring this thing was. I usually try to take advantage of free booze but this wasn't worth it. How sad...

I Can't Breathe!!!

Yes, I know. Several weeks ago I proclaimed that I was going to be "Fit By Forty!" That was my goal. My birthday is in November and right now all my pants don't fit because I have been eating and drinking with abandon. They are tight and even my shorts are tight. I am planning this awesome trip to Vegas with the girls for my birthday weekend and if I keep sliding down this slippery slope I will have to buy another seat in the airplane for my fat ass. Last year I was pretty good about working out and for some reason last Fall hit and I just didn't have it in me anymore. I'm tired, fat, and embarrassed.

As a family we have been walking at night around the high school track which is great but I'm not actually working out that much since I'm walking 2 miles instead of the 4 I can do and I'm walking slower just because it's novel that my husband talks to me. Also my 5 year old is constantly tired and wants to be carried which doesn't help for forward momentum.

Ehhh, I'm so lazy right now I don't even feel like finishing my thoughts! Nevermind......

Been one of those days

I have not had a good day today. It's started out pretty good until about 7:30 am when my sister in law called to say my father in law was in the hospital. Rushed by ambulance at 4 am. He wasn't seen at the ER until 10:30 at which time we found out he has a leg infection and most likely pneumonia. Now two weeks ago my husband and I paid for my in laws to go on a cruise which will be occurring in two weeks. I hope he will be better by then, I did buy the insurance but I would rather they actually took the cruise. My FIL is not a well man his wife and daughter keep telling me. I do believe them, he had a heart attack a few years ago and he has type 2 diabetes which is why I'm particularly nervous about the leg infection. He always wanted to go on a cruise and we felt that we should send him while he was somewhat able to enjoy it. I had to practially force my husband to go down to visit him. He kept asking me what he should do and I kept saying, "go see your father" but I think he wanted me to tell him to stay at work and not worry about it.

Now in addition to my family issues (which there always are some) my damn dog has been doing this weird nose/cough thing. I called the Vet and they told me to come in at 1:30. On the phone they said it might be kennel cough. I got there and they asked if I could wait outside since the dog might be contagious. Then they came out and asked if I could wait in the car with the windows up and air on so she wouldn't make the sidewalk sick. I explained that she had had this for two weeks and it was my understanding the the incubation period was a couple days. Didn't matter, had to get in my car. When they finally brought her in the Vet determined that she's fine and will probably make that nose noise occasionally forever. "It's like a backward sneeze." she explained. $60 to diagnose a backward sneeze and be treated like a leper! WTF!

Along with all this fun I received in the mail the response to my call to my oldest son's camp. The past three years I have sent him to a two week camp which costs $600. No small change but he likes it so we manage. This year my youngest had a fever while he was at the first week of camp so of course he was sick with "flu like symptoms" the second week. And then the youngest got the fever back for the third week of July. I was ready to kill someone by the end of it all. Anyhoo, I basically paid $600 for 1 week of camp. I asked if he could just make up the week and they said no. I called twice to discuss it and they finally got around to calling me back to tell me that I'm basically shit out of luck and they will send me a copy of the form I signed which explains there are no refunds. I was thinking about sending my youngest there too next Summer but now I am so annoyed I'm not sure I want to give them anymore money. I wasn't even asking for the f-ing money back! I just wanted my kid to have a second week of camp. They are full? It's f-ing OUTDOORS! There isn't a firecode of maximum occupancy in the woods!

I know there are people out there with worse problems than me and trust me I have had much worse problems than this but sometimes you feel like yelling UNCLE! I hate when you start out happy and slowly but surely the world consipres to piss you off. This summer has pretty much sucked. I have a vacation planned in a couple of weeks and I am just waiting for a tornado to come through and ruin it. School starts in 3 1/2 weeks and I'm not ready. This summer has included three weeks of illness, a funeral which I had to travel for, and lowest tempertures and most amount of rain we have EVER had! I want some carefree happy days! I want to have something go easy! I know there are those "think positive" bullshit people out there but I will think positive until something makes me negative. Wine thirty can't get here fast enough.

Child Induced Drinking

I am tired. It's 9 at night. I just want to relax but we must live a nightly production of the 5 year old who won't go to sleep.

Every night it's a different theme:

I'm scared.

I'm thirsty.

Can I take my shirt off?

Can I sleep with my bakugan?

Can you lay down with me?

Can you read me another story?

I'm REALLY REALLY scared!

The doctor many years ago said to not let him engage me in these things but repeat over and over it's time for bed and walk him back there but somehow he knows at the tender age of 5 how to push my buttons into a verbal battle of wills.

They say the definition of an insane person is one who does the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Well here I am insane and drinking. After our typical evening show, I immediately come downstairs and over up a bottle of wine.

I have held him back a year from kindergarten for various reasons but I have dreams that when he finally goes off to kindergarten that maybe this show will have run it's course and a new one will be opening. In the meantime, "Honey, where's the chardonnay?"

Mean Girls

You graduate from high school and you figure you are done with the catty bullshit that comes from jr. high and high school. You're past that right? You are an adult. No one can make you feel bad about yourself anymore. WRONG! Since I've stayed home I have friended people I probably wouldn't have friended otherwise. People who are the complete opposite of myself politically, socially, and intellectually. On one hand it's been great to see how other people live, what they believe, and why they do so. On the other hand I find myself in situations that piss me off more than I should be.

When you have kids you learn the "rule of three" as soon as they are old enough to have play dates. For some reason two kids can get along and even 4 can, but 3 kids inevitably end up with 2 ganging up on or ignoring the third. But adults are too mature to be caught up in that, aren't they? No. No they are not. I am friends with two women right now whos kids are close in age to mine but for some reason they are closer to each other than they are to me. I try to not let it bother me but sometimes when neither one is answering her phone I get the feeling that they are together and just don't want me included. I'm sure your thinking I'm fucking nuts. I would have too before all this but I have been on the other side on it. I have been at one of their houses and the other calls and she ignores it. Which I'm sure you are thinking, "well then it's fair". But actually I have only been on the other side a few times whereas I think I'm the ignored one more often.

It's stupid and childish and I should be beyond this but it pisses me off! What the hell is wrong with me? They make more plans together too. Their husbands have this man crush on each other so they have dinner together where we have had dinner at each of their homes once. Their kids sleep over each others homes but no one has ever invited my kids. I know what you're thinking and no, my kids are not crazy hell hounds that no one wants around. My oldest is very mature and sweet, the one every teacher, camp counselor, or other parent has to stop me to tell me how sweet he is. I still have a hard time thinking what to say to that, it's not like I had something to do with it, he was just born that way. My youngest is a bit of an imp but would never pull with other people what he pulls with me. In fact one of my friends her kids are actually far more difficult than my kids could ever do. Her youngest one day was playing at my house and he snuck into my son's room and put on my son's clothes under his clothes to try to steal them. WTF is that!

I don't know, I'm sure I should be happy that my kids aren't being led astray by their kids but it sucks being left out as much as it did when you were in 7th grade. I think this is why I am trying to go back to work. I have this idea that working moms have less time for bullshit like this. Maybe I'm wrong and it's just as fucked up as stay at home moms but I need something to hang onto while I cry in my chardonnay.

Letting Loose

I have been very careful with my writing on this blog up until now. I was reading some other blogs and came to the realization that I need to write like I don't care who's reading rather than worrying about if my friend will be offended or my husband will say something rude about it. Because really when you get right down to it, NO ONE IS READING MY BLOG BUT ME!!

I need to treat this more like diary, well a diary of a approaching 40, bitter house wife and mother who is quite sure that if she told everyone what was running through her mind they would run for the hills and take my kids with them.

Just yesterday I was sitting next to my friend's pool while my kids swam thinking I only reason I'm sitting there sweating my balls off is because then my kids will have something to tell my husband as proof for why it's o.k. I get to sit at home on my ass while he wakes up and goes to work everyday. It's the same reason I clear off the damn counter top and have some form of dinner in the microwave every night. The rest of the day I sit on facebook and watch Bravo or Style channel. Being home sucks, it's boring and no one gives a shit what you do and those holier than thou mothers (i.e. bitches) who tell you otherwise are lying their asses off or have had a lobotomy to bring their IQ down to the third grade level. No one, and I mean NO ONE enjoys playing legos with their kids.

Case in point, I have a friend who had both her kids do part time kindergarten as opposed to full time so she could, "spend time with them before they are in school forever". She then spends her days pawning her kids off on everyone else and her family so she can work out and be alone. I mean, why pretend? Just stick your kids in full time, stop trying to save face as mother of the year. It's bullshit.

I'm not sure why I chose to have kids when we were having a leave it to beaver revival but I kinda wish I had them when my mom did in the 70's, when it was o.k. to send your kids outside all day and not know where they were so you could drink and smoke in the house in peace.

Where did Summer go?

You might have heard or if you live in the northeastern portion of the US have witnessed the utter lack of summer-like weather. The news has stated that we are at least 10 degrees colder than last summer on average. Today and yesterday saw highs in the 60's. Now as a New Englander I am used to bad weather. We pride ourselves in being able to handle many drifts of snow with ease. Our schools don't need to close, we'll be plowed and snow-blowed out before the first bell! But we rely on a few things to help us through those difficult winters, one of those things being alcohol and the other is summer. When it starts to get warm most of us have sun burns because we are so unaccustomed to the sun. But we don't care, we need it. We need the light and warmth so we can deal with the darkness that seems to happen earlier and earlier in Fall.

When Summer hits we go full throttle, barbqueing every night, going to the beach every weekend, filling up on all those summer experiences. Typically by the end of August you get tired of tasting barbque sauce and look forward to something baked in the oven. So what are we to do when Spring seems to have happened in June and July? You know that Fall will still happen on time if not early. I'm hoping at least August will have enough hot weather that I'm willing to return to Winter otherwise I might just have to move to somewhere else. Anyone interested in a 2 story colonial?

Summer Has Started

The kids have been on vacation a whole whopping 3 days and I am at a loss. I've been sleeping late, watching tv all day, and eating. I'm a little lost. There is something about the school schedule that keeps me on track. I know what when my youngest is in school the 2 1/2 days, I need to get my shopping and errands done that I want to do without children. Without these deadlines I am a rudderless boat. Roaming around the house, surfing facebook, watching the style channel. I think my husband is on to me. This morning he not only made sure he made enough noise to wake the dead (and me) but he also had the kids making lists for ALL of us of activities we wanted to accomplish this summer.

Does watching a Clean House marathon count as cleaning? It has been raining for weeks straight and I think I am maybe dealing with a seasonal affective disorder. I don't think the kids care. I have been feeding them pizza and letting play video games 24/7. After next week my oldest will start camp and the month of July is pretty much taken up with camp so I'll be forced into a schedule again. I guess we are all allowed a little slack time. I should not be too hard on myself. I know I will be productive again, maybe when I get my fill lazy summer days....

What Time Is It?

I bought myself a new watch last Friday. That might not seem like a big deal but it is in my world. The last time I wore a watch I had not given birth and still worked. I feel like this is a symbol of the next phase of my life. I have spent the last eight years not knowing what time it was or relying on the microwave clock or minivan clock to tell me. I have to admit I used to be quite anal when it came to being on time. I did not understand people who were late. It annoyed me that people were so rude.

After I had my first son I relaxed and after the second I practically became a slacker. I show up at my youngest son's preschool late on a daily basis. Luckily by now they know and like me enough not to care. I have discovered that if I'm late no one is going to take my children away from me. That was the fear that kept me supermom in the first years of motherhood. The fear that someone would decide that my house wasn't clean enough or my children not well cared enough and they would take them away from me. I have grown enough to know that if they did take them they would most likely return them quickly because they are not easy kids and I mean that in the nicest way.

So back to the watch. I hope this watch will help see me through my first days of work and the meetings that come with that. I am no where near starting a new job but I have dreams and plans. And that's all you need right?

Fit at 40

Well I decided that I am no longer going to be out of shape for my 40th birthday. Luckily I have until next Fall to reach my goal. I told my husband that instead of having a party or getting some expensive gift I wanted a girls weekend away in Key West. I want to be getting on that plane about 2 sizes smaller than I am right now. I have dreams of laying out in a bikini (yes I said the dirty word) and not worrying about muffin top. Muffin top, such a delicious word but so nasty to look at. I do not want to be one of those moms at 40 who wears those mom jeans and low white sneakers as she waits for the kids at the bus stop. I recently was looking at class reunion photos from the year before my class and all the women looked like models. All thin, white teeth, beautiful. All I could think is, "they are my age! and a little older! what the hell have they been doing for the last 20 years!"

A more accurate thought should have been, What the hell have I been doing for the last 20 years. Well I guess I know what I've been doing, I've been eating. I looked at them and felt like they were in on some secret that I don't know about . I know it's really no secret, eat less, exercise more. Hopefully having the goal of looking good next Fall will be enough to pull me through the great desire to sit on the couch and watch tv with a container of ice cream.

Is the Grass Greener?

I am stay at home which you already know. But I have been planning my return to the working world. It was hard for me to stay at home. I lost a bit of myself. It took me quite a few years to stop telling people I was a career counselor but rather a stay at home mom. Now don't get me wrong, I love being here for my kids. I like that despite the fact that I have become quite scatterbrained that I am on top of all my kids stuff because I have so much time at home I eventually remember what I would have forgotten if I was working as well. I had lunch with a friend yesterday who works and would rather stay home. She talks about raising children as though it's some kind of divine quest that you should feel lucky to have been invited to do. She felt horrible for missing her daughter's field trip to the zoo. She was surprised to find that I haven't volunteered in my son's classroom all year. My sister is currently interviewing to return to the workforce. She was sad while in line at Target when she saw other moms buying pacifiers and toddler snacks, feeling that returning to work was marking then end of her motherhood in some way. I am excited to return to work, I feel like I have more things to do. I feel like I've done the "stay at home" thing and now it's time for the next phase. Maybe it's just me. I'm not terribly sentimental person. I don't save a lot of my children's stuff for when they are older. I think about buying clothes that don't include jeans and sweats. I'm hoping by not being in the house everyday all day I might stop eating my way through the day and maybe lose some weight. It amazes me how conflicted we all are by this. I've noticed some of my working friends feel so guilty that they indulge every single whim and thought of their children to try and make up for their absence. People need to relax. Overall our kids are all going to be fine. Some of us will be at home, some of us will be working. It's not that big of a deal. Kids know if they are loved and thats all that matters isn't it?

My Super Secret Twilight Obsession

My sister kept bugging me to read the Twilight series. "I don't like vampires", I told her. It's not really about that she shot back. I really wasn't in the mood but finally one day I was bored so I picked up a copy at Target. I was hooked. I finished the whole 500 pages by noon the next day. The next day my older son was doing a class presentation and I sat there impatiently waiting for it to end so I could buy the next book. I ran to Target and promptly bought the remaining three books. My younger son couldn't understand why I was throwing so many large books into the carriage at once. I finished the series in less than a week. After finishing I felt agitated, lost. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I've reread all four books. I've also read the unfinished fifth online book. I've read a fan fiction version of a continuation of the series. I've watched the movie several times. I don't let me husband know how far my obsession has taken me. I bought a mug with twilight quotes for myself and my sister. (shes just as obsessed) I became a fan of Twilight on facebook. It really has gone on too long but I just don't know how to break my addiction. My kids have an inkling of how far overboard I have gone. My 5 year old said to me the other day, "Is this Twilight music?" Yes I replied since I listen to the soundtrack over and over again in the car. He then said, "Do we only have Twilight music?" I need to move on but I worry that in some way I need this to make my days go by a little easier. I assume at some point I will move on. Until then I will keep this my dirty little secret. You won't tell will you?

Laundry, the Hidden Evil

I came to a strange realization yesterday. Laundry is meant to drive mothers crazy so that they'll lose their minds and not notice that their lives are passing them by. You do laundry (4 or so loads), you wash, dry, and fold. If you are having a really bad day a few things that need to be ironed find their way in too. It takes all day because each load takes about 30 minutes to wash and an hour to dry. Some people are lucky enough to have a laundry room where their cleaned clothes just sit in baskets all the time and the family knows to just pick it out of the basket. I am not one of those lucky souls. My washer and dryer are located in my downstairs bathroom. So when I do laundry it takes over the bathroom until it is done. After using up my entire Monday doing laundry I find that the basket is filled again on Wednesday. How many clothes are these people wearing? Are they secretly putting on two pairs of underwear at a time? Who decided that I'm a bad mother if my kids are wearing dirty clothes? Why are my children and husband such slobs? Do they have holes in their bottom lips? How do working moms get their laundry done? It takes up half my week! I have finally come up with a solution. All those hours of doing laundry gave me plenty of time to think about this. Robots. Yes robots. We need robots who would do laundry. My dream would be a robot who would do laundry AND clean my house while I sleep. I would wake up every morning to a clean house and a full closet. I know, it's a big dream but somewhere there has to be a scientist working on this right? It's not like there are other more important things scientists are working on. Disease? Famine? Global Warming? This is WAY more important! Maybe they could also throw in a cooking program too.

Baseball

I am one of those people who never really followed sports. Most likely a result of being raised by a mother with no father around. Because of this I get bored watching most sports on TV. I mean REALLY REALLY bored. We have the Red Sox game on right now and I could absolutely care less, hence why I am writing this blog. Now I like watching my son play little league but I admit after the first inning or two I'm more likely to be speaking to my fellow baseball moms than I am to be watching. I find it funny when women get into sports. I feel like they are pretending so they seem cool to men. Usually it is single women who act the part. "Can you believe that Ellisbury's contract might not get renewed?" as they gaze adoringly for approval from the man they are trying to impress.

Recently I have been going through a slight (well maybe not too slight) addiction to the Twilight series. There is a scene where the very good looking vampires play baseball. I think I would enjoy watching that game. So maybe if the American Baseball League would very find some very hot vampires to play I would be willing to buy some season tickets and attend all the games. I'm going to tell my husband to change the damn channel because I have a feeling that's not going to happen any time soon.

How Do They Do It?

I am not above asking how to people not eat? It has always been a skill I do not seem to possess. I want to learn how people can eat one simple meal a day and not be cranky and irritable. I seem to spend my day thinking out my next meal and snack. Last year I got sick twice each for one week and had gum surgery. It was the best diet I had. Boy I loved weighing in at Weight Watchers those weeks! Here we are the day after Easter and all I can hear is the siren call from the chocolate that is living in my house. I hate being overweight, I hate the way it feels. I can't stand how my belly hangs when I sleep at night. You think that would be enough to motivate me. Somehow all day I forget and when night comes I suddenly remember why I need to stop snacking. Late afternoon is the worst. I could eat the calories for a large man just in the hours of 3-6. I keep hoping for some kind of quick fix. I fantasize about liposuction, some pill which will make the weight just drop off, anything rather than stop eating. Weight Watchers seems to work for me but I hate writing down everything I eat. That's the part that helps but I still hate it. The same way I hate writing things down in my checkbook. Who wants to look back at that mess? It's only getting worse too. As I near 40 it gets harder to lose the weight. Exercising doesn't help as much. I look back at photos and realize I was in pretty good shape years ago but I only remember feeling fat. Maybe I need to adjust my perception, but that's pretty hard when every tv show and magazine shows only size 0 women. I don't know, maybe a snack will help me think...

Are We Back in the 50's?

I've noticed some interesting things since I became a stay at home mom 8 years ago. The people I dealt with when I worked were very different than my fellow stay at home moms. When I worked, women were equal without doubt. No one even questioned it. If you responded in a way that could be construed otherwise you were thought to be uneducated and insensitive. After staying at home I would be surprised when a fellow stay at home mom would hurry off the phone when her husband walked in for fear that he would think she was on the phone all day. They would clean up their house before he got home so he couldn't remark on the cleanliness of it. There seemed to be this unwritten rule that since you were the one home not technically "working" then you had to provide a certain level of image and this image was directly taken from a 1950's sitcom. The troubling part was I was falling into the same role. I would pride myself by having the dishes cleaned and put away and dinner cooked before my husband walked in the door. We were supposed to be born of feminists who fought for equal rights. The first generations who went back to work instead of having to stay home. We had the ability to do either and shouldn't feel bad about it. So why did we have to change who we were? Is this our issue because we don't feel like we are bringing in our fair share? When you stay at home you don't get those occasional pats on the back when the project is done, or raises to show that you are appreciated. No one gives you an award for outstanding potty training. What do you compare yourself to? Is it our husbands who say they think we do the "hardest job in the world" but their reactions at times say the opposite? I've heard some mean and degrading comments that husbands have said to their wives regarding their "work" and watched those wives bite their tongue because maybe they believe it was warranted. Maybe we need to find a new ruler to compare the role of the stay at home mother to. It's not an easy role to define and not all of us want to wear pearls while we vacuum.

Dulling the Pain of Middle Age?

My sister just pointed out to me that more than half her friends on Facebook have openly written about taking Xanax and other prescription drugs regularly. I too have a handful of friends who are on sleeping pills, mood regulators, and drink almost nightly. I will admit I do like my glass (or two) of wine at night after the kids have gone to bed. What has happened in our lives that makes this such a common occurance? Is it that our lives are not exactly as exciting as we thought so we are dulling the thoughts that creep in at night? I do find that in the morning every day brings promise but at night I go over in my mind what is not right in my life, what I said wrong, and what I wish I had as opposed to being happy for what I do have. I remember telling a single friend of mine that long term relationships are not a series of highs and lows but more long periods of the same puntuated with a few highs and lows. Is it in your late 30's and early 40's that the sameness finally gets to you? Are we missing meaning in our lives or are we just bored? Maybe we need a hobby...

Am I One of Those People?

I've always been a positive person. Age never bothered me. I was always the youngest of who I hung out with so why would it bother me when everyone else was older right? I looked young too, being carded well into my 30's. Suddenly one Girls Night Out when I asked the bouncer if he needed ID his reply was, "I was going to ask for your social security card". Not an accurate dig but it made it's effect. Suddenly I had a few grey hairs over my ears. A crease showed up in between my eye brows. One too many mean looks at my kids I guess. But it was adding up. I was getting old. I couldn't be one of those vain people who cared that I was turning 40, could I? I had friends who got Botox and I thought they were crazy. I drove a minivan and didn't care because I felt the car didn't define me but suddenly I'm looking at sporty cars thinking I would look better in it. Who did I become? As I travel down the path of this final year of my 30's I'm not sure I know who exactly I am. I want to have a full life. I want my children to look at me with admiration of what I've done with my life. But this little part of me wants to look good in the part too. Is that bad?